I want to cry. I want to smile. I want to paint my life with colours that haven't been discovered yet.
But something keeps me, something prevents me from being the free person I desperately dream of being. I don't know if it's society or my friends or even myself that keeps me blocked, numb, in a coward state of action.
I want to stand up and run, explore faraway lands and talk to people with different cultures, identities, languages, thoughts, dreams.
We can't be truly free, not in the way we really want to. People judge. People know how to judge and forget the way of making us feel good about ourselves. Egotism rules the world. And it's good, because without egotism, I wouldn't be able to write down my thoughts, like I'm doing right now, and you wouldn't be able to read them. It's us what keeps us going, is what forces us to dream more, want more, love more, be happier and happier. But we should be careful. Because this scale can easily turn upside down. Our egotism can corrupt us in the blink of an eye. The limits of who we are and who we constantly want to be are thin. Thinner than we think. We can easily lose ourselves in the process of finding happiness.
Happiness? No. I'd just say what we look for is joy. Joy and satisfaction. And this cozy feeling that's called security. Security, right? Because we're all criminals in a way. We all need to be saved. Because we're all sinners. But it doesn't really matter, it doesn't matter if we've hurt other people or if we are in a constant fight with ourselves. Because we can change it. We need to change it.
Why? Because we deserve something better than rolling in the mud of nightmares, of self-doubts, of misery, of endless rivers of tears. We're birds with wings. We were born to fly. We weren't born to be locked up in a vase of insecurities and self-destructive thoughts, like butterflies in a jar full of sugar. So, let's try to fly then.
We can fly at any age, we can change the path of our lives under any, given or not, circumstances. Because we have a special weapon, the most perfect weapon of all. Our mind. And I know what you may think. That our mind is the reason we tremble to go out and face the world and its people. But we must skip our fears, we must hug our mind, learn why we take the decisions we take, not run away from it.
After all, our mind will be with us for the rest of our lives. We should make it our alley, our companion, not our enemy. People affect our decisions, but we, only we, have the power to fully rule and guide our lives. Because we are the only ones who can use our minds for our own good. Other people can't. Other people don't know how we think or what we think. They can advise us, but they can't help us. At least not 100%. Only we can plant seeds of ideas in our minds and see them grow, flourish, prosper.
Well, I think there's one exception though.
Mental illnesses. I think they are the result of love that went wrong, of love that wasn't promised. I see people suffering from them, I see beautiful hearts getting shattered in the process of "fitting in" and "being accepted". I see people slowly dying on the inside and I hate those who made them be in this position. Because the kindest people are the ones who suffer more. The more you love, the more you suffer, and the more you suffer, the easier it is to lose it. Your mind I mean. So, I want to say one thing. Understand your thoughts. Love them. Hug them. Accept them. Try to decipher their secret codes. Try to love who you are. No one else can be you. No one. So, make the best out of it. Find a hobby and stick to it. And the most important thing? Listen to judgements, because they'll always exist. But don't let them affect you negatively, only positively.
It's like you have a glass, 50% full of water. It's your choice if you want to see it as half-full or half-empty. See the difference? Most of us see the glass of water as half-empty. We need to go naked of our old ideas. We need to learn the warmth of happiness again. Yes, it's not easy. Yes, the path to it is twisted and painful. But how can you know what lies on the edge of the cliff if you don't dare to go to the edge of the cliff?
We must learn to trust our mind and our heart. They are not our enemies and certainly they aren't someone else. They are us.
(Okay, this is another part of my -incoherent- thoughts. Read it if you feel like it and, please, comment on it. Thanks.)